parents – Penn & Beyond

Have You Thanked Your Family Today?

By Barbara Hewitt

It was wonderful to see so many families on campus last weekend. Hopefully you had a chance to enjoy some time with yours and show them around your “home away from home.”

As I saw how many parents and other family members made the trek to Philadelphia (in miserable weather, I might add!) it made me reflect on how dedicated many Penn parents are and how many sacrifices they often make to send their sons and daughters to Penn. Of course, even with the terrific financial aid Penn is able to provide, the tuition bill itself presents a challenge for many families. However, beyond the financial support, families provide so many other types of support on a daily basis (the moral support during a tough week with multiple tests or papers, the driving of students to and from campus on a regular basis, the willingness to fill out the long financial aid forms….the list could go on and on….).

Perhaps the most important thing our families often provide, however, is a deep conviction that education is important and that you, their son or daughter, deserve a college education and can indeed excel at an academically rigorous institution such as Penn. I think back to my own family background. My father was a New York State Trooper and my mom a homemaker. Since neither attended college, they didn’t really understand the college application process or get terribly involved with the selection of which colleges to consider. (One of my fondest memories from high school is when they handed the keys to the car over to my twin sister and me for a week spent travelling around visiting numerous colleges on our own. It was great fun and a wonderful chance to navigate a small part of the world with no parental supervision.) Even though my parents didn’t provide very much guidance on where to go to college or what to study, they were tremendously supportive in always letting us know that college was definitely an option and that somehow they would find the way to send us if we wanted to go. With five children, all of whom went to college…and three who eventually obtained graduate degrees…this was no small feat. Their support and belief that we could do it launched us all into productive lives and careers, for which I will be eternally grateful.

Take a moment today to think about the many ways that your family has shaped and supported you in your career and academic goals….and then take another few minutes to make sure they know how much you appreciate it!

PARENTS: this one’s for you! (STUDENTS: read on and get some insight to what your parents might be thinking.)

by Sue Russoniello

September, again. Here you are, sending your children off or back to college. They are beginning to look like adults; they are also beginning to make decisions on their own, without your constant guidance. That’s a bit scary for us parents, after 18+ years of making daily decisions for them.

Having two sons of my own who have been through college, I know some of your concerns. Are they happy and getting enough sleep, making good friends and behaving responsibly? Are they keeping up with their coursework and connecting with their professors? Are they finding internships and jobs or getting into “the right” graduate or professional school? The cost of a college degree is concerning enough, without worrying that they might not have a good job lined up when they graduate. In addition, you’re hearing stories of your friends’ children and your children’s friends who seem to either have something “fabulous” lined up, or are having trouble making ends meet on their own.

Besides being a parent, I have worked in Career Services for fifteen years, so I have watched this process from both sides. I sympathize with the concerned parents who call Career Services to see what they can do to help. Some parents just want general information on the current job market. Others ask for specific information so they can be closely involved in their son or daughter’s job search.

Wearing my parent’s hat, I can relate to your temptation to do the leg work for your busy children and give them a list of things they should do next in their job search. Up till now you’ve always been involved with the important decisions they have had to make. Wearing my Career Services hat, I see blossoming, independent, young adults excited about making their own way and looking for jobs of their own choosing, which aren’t necessarily what you think they want.

For instance, my older son who as a young boy only wanted to eat hot dogs and peanut butter, and who I thought would be a wonderful coach or teacher, is now a chef in a fabulous restaurant in Wyoming! I thought my younger son had the perfect skills to be an architect. His choice was to study geology and as we were celebrating his college graduation, he announced he had lined up a job in Alaska and was leaving in two days! After my initial surprise and uncertainty about their decisions, I’ve realized how both of them have made good choices and are happy finding their own way.

Based on the experiences I’ve accrued working in Career Services combined with those of my own family, I respectfully make this suggestion to parents: give your sons and daughters space to make some decisions on their own. I am NOT saying to back out of your son’s or daughter’s life; I’m just saying back up a bit. They still need you and you still need them. But they do have some serious decisions to make about the direction in which they want their lives to go; in giving them the freedom to make these decisions, and showing them you respect their ability to do so, you will probably find that the lines of communication between you are stronger than ever. Let them run ideas by you and ask for guidance without the added guilt of thinking you don’t approve, or worrying that you are disappointed by their choices. They do really care what you think, and want to please you, but also want to do what is right for themselves.

Harry S. Truman said: “I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” Take note of what makes your child’s eyes light up and respect his or her need to pursue those things; they might choose a specific job that they love, or they might choose to live in a place that lets them enjoy favorite activities outside of their work. Give them the freedom and support to try something different and come to their own conclusions about what is right for them. Remember that “success” means different things to different people, even our own children. They should also know that if a decision they make doesn’t work out as they had hoped, you still love them and support them.

I’m not suggesting that your sons and daughters will all head for the hills like mine did. Your daughter might think that NYC is the ideal location with the art, culture and night life opportunities, in addition to it being a center of the financial and business world. Your son may want to be in Miami, especially after the past two winters in the northeast. Your children may choose to be in Texas or Iowa because that’s where a fabulous graduate school opportunity lies for them. And don’t forget the significant other who might be a part of this decision…I remind myself that I married when I was 22, and that was a factor in some of the decisions I made gladly so that we could be together.

By all means, browse the Career Services website and learn what you can about the opportunities available to our students. Visit us during Family Weekend and learn about the programs and workshops, career fairs and advising sessions we offer them. Offer to help create networking opportunities for them with your friends and colleagues. Talk with them about their options. If you think your son or daughter needs a bit more guidance as they go forward, remind them that we are here to help. Guide them gently in ways to ask for help, but let them be the ones to do the asking. Face time is still very important, despite the prevalence of email and social media. Think back, honestly, to your own decision making when you were their age, but also remember it’s a different world out there, with different opportunities and resources than we had.

In the end, what we parents (and Career Service professionals) really want for our (your) sons and daughters is for them to find careers they enjoy and excel in, and to live happy, rewarding lives.

Parents, This One’s For You

The summer is over! Your son or daughter has already moved into his or her dorm or apartment. Is this your first child’s freshman year and the family’s maiden voyage to college? Or perhaps it is your youngest child’s senior year and this is old hat. No matter what your exact scenario is, you are probably feeling nostalgic as you breath in this dryer, cooler September air and think about all the “Kodak moments” along the road that has led your young person to Penn.

Now that your son or daughter is off to school, take a moment to focus on how you will fit into the decisions he or she will need to make in the next few years. Your child (yes, they’ll always be our “children”, no matter how old they are) has stepped up to the next phase of their development, and their entrance to adulthood. Having two sons of my own who are in their late twenties, I know the thoughts running through your heads. Who is checking that they are getting enough sleep, making good friends and behaving responsibly? You’re wondering about their classes. Are they keeping up with the work load and connecting with their professors? At the same time, especially in light of the current economic times, are they setting themselves up to find internships or jobs in a lucrative industry or getting into the right graduate or professional school? Things are not as they were when WE were in college, and there is so much more information available to help with these decisions.

Besides being a parent, I have worked in Career Services for fourteen years and have watched this process from both sides. I sympathize with the concerned parents who call Career Services to see what we do for their son or daughter and also what they can do to help. Some parents just want general information on the current job market and the process. Others ask for more specific information such as passwords for our job posting system so they can look for jobs or internships that will be “right” for their son or daughter.

Wearing my parent’s hat, I empathize with you being tempted to do the leg work for your busy children so you can give them a list of things they should do next in their job search. It’s what you’ve probably done up to this point with respect to important decisions they have had to make. Wearing my Career Services hat, I see young, independent people wanting to make their own way and looking for jobs of their own choosing which aren’t necessarily what you think they want. From these combined experiences I am respectfully asking you to give them space to conduct their internship, job and/or graduate school searches themselves. They want (and need) to begin to do things for themselves and learn to use their time wisely. Isn’t this the ultimate goal of parenthood — guiding our sons and daughters to become self-confident, capable young adults? This is the time in our children’s lives when they first feel independent and able to try something new on their own. You may be in for some surprises of the directions they choose, but that’s good. It means they are spreading their wings and trying new things.

When I think back, I wonder why I was surprised when my older son moved to Wyoming to become a chef where he’d be using his creativity and ability to interact with people. And a few years later, our second son moved to Alaska to use his geology background and technical skills. Both of them moved to places where they could pursue jobs of their dreams and have the ability to ski, hike, and canoe whenever they wanted to with people around them who also loved those activities. Not surprising at all, these were the things we did with them on family vacations as they were growing up. They took jobs where they would work hard and play hard, and be self supporting and happy. Actually, once the initial shock wore off, we were proud of each of them for being self-assured enough to leave their friends and family for places unknown and new adventures. I will not deny that you will feel a bit of loneliness during this transition, because you will. Your relationship with your child is changing; he or she doesn’t need you in the same ways they have before. Take heart knowing they’re doing what they should be doing, which will help you adjust. Focusing on our sons’ happiness and successes, (and biting our tongue a lot!) helped us survive. How happy were we when our younger son, after three years in Alaska, announced he was moving back to the East Coast to pursue a graduate degree as we had hoped he would. We patted ourselves on the back, then, as that was his own decision and on his own time table, as well.

My message is this… Parents, listen to your children and give them room to grow. Harry S. Truman said: “I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” Don’t back out of your son or daughter’s life, just back up a bit. Encourage them to try something new. Be open to discussions about the breadth of options in front of them. Take note of what makes your child’s eyes light up and respect his or her need to pursue these things; they might choose a specific job that they love, or they might choose to live in a place that lets them enjoy certain activities outside of their work. Give them the freedom and support to try something different and come to their own conclusions about what is right for them. Remember that “success” means different things to different people, even our own children. My son doesn’t make a lot of money, but he thrives on being able to walk his dog in the Teton National Forest and go skiing before work or floating down the Snake River in his canoe any day he wants.

By all means, browse the Career Services website and learn what you can about the opportunities available to our students. Visit us during Family Weekend. Be aware of all the programs and workshops, career fairs and counseling sessions we offer our students. If you think your son or daughter needs a bit more guidance as they go forward, remind them that we are here to help. Guide them gently in ways to ask for help, but let them be the ones to do the asking.
In the end you know that your sons and daughters will make appropriate decisions, find good jobs and have great lives. Give them the gift of letting them make these decisions for themselves. Even if it means they’ll pursue an industry or move to a location you might not have chosen for them, or on the exact time table you would have suggested.
I’ll tell you, though we’d love to see our sons more often, we’ve had some fabulous vacations visiting them in the places they have chosen to live.

Your Career: It’s a Family Affair

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family” (Anthony Brandt)

One of the most interesting classes I took in graduate school included a project where students created a “family tree” of relatives’ professions, going as far back as possible in their family history. The goal behind the exercise was to learn about family impact on individuals’ career choices. Sometimes family influence, especially parental expectations, has an obvious impact: ie “I am paying for your Penn education to get you the best pre-med training possible” – other times, it is much more subtle – ie “We just want you to be fulfilled and productive.”

When I have a career counseling session with a student, I am aware that in some way their family is in the room with us. Families influence what we value (money, prestige, productivity, intellectual achievement, helping others). Families influence the geographic regions we think are open to us in our work. Families influence what occupations we are exposed to: know any Resort and Panoramic Illustrators? How might you know to pursue a career like that unless your parents were skiers or you were raised at 5,000ft?

This is part of my family tree:

What are the themes here? Is it surprising I might be a career counselor at an institution like Penn? Even though no one in my family has held my kind of job before, most of my family’s career paths involved teaching and “helping” positions working with people. Skills required: strong communication, assessment and problem solving, empathy. Most of my family worked for themselves in private practices or worked in educational institutions. No one (in all three generations) chose to spend time in corporate environments. Another theme is the level of education in my family. My family let me know that they expected educational achievement and success but beyond that I got no direct instruction on what I “should be” professionally. Despite this apparent freedom to choose, it’s easy to see in my case, that “the apple falls not far from the tree.”

Have you thought about the ways in which you have skills, interests, and other experiences in common with your family? What have you considered to be an option, but don’t know anyone who has done it before? What choices have already been made for you? How important is your family to your career plans? These topics are great for you to explore on your own, or with a career advisor.

Here is a link for parents about career planning for Penn students. If this really interests you, you may have a career in genealogy to consider….